“i know what its like to look at food and at the same time you want it but you hate it so much. you wake up in the morning and try to find good in your body. you stretch backwards and you look thinner but you know its just a facade. you have too much fat. you wear loose shirts because when you sit down you feel like everyone is staring at your fat and thinking “wow. that bitch is so fucking fat. thats disgusting”. you find yourself exercising for hours every night. you avoid sex because you hate letting people see all your shit. you avoid sugar and youve convinced yourself that food is the enemy and even eating a normal sized meal will afftect you and you will most definitely gain two pounds from eating more than 400 calories. you stare into the toilet bowl after eating and no matter how hard you try you just cant do it. you sit there on the floor and feel like the biggest fattest abject failure. the tears dont stop and you silently cry. no one ever knows how much you hate yourself. its miserable. tormenting. you tell yourself that youre not going to eat anything tomorrow. youre so motivated until tomorrow comes. this makes you feel like the biggest loser ever. do you have even any self control ?? at all!??! what the fuck is wrong with you?
you feel so full and when you feel full it makes you feel like your stomach is stretching. youre sure you are getting stretch marks by the minute and you hate your body more and more. your best friend always says how skinny you are but you cant believe her. shes your best friend! she has to say that shit. its funny how when people say good things about you, you dont believe them but if they insult you then you believe it in an instant. youre so depressed and you look up faster ways to lose weight but you know all of them are scams. you feel like such a failure that you cant get to your goal by yourself. everyone says you look fine but they just dont understand how fat you are. you suddenly remeber how a year ago, your goal weight was how much you weigh now. you push that thought out of your head quickly and think about your new goal. does it ever end? will you be obsessed about your fat forever? happiness will come to you when you finally can be confident at the beach. when you can look at yourself naked for once and not think about how fat you are and how you need to lose here and here and there. happiness will come when youve earned it, right?”